Subject: wants to socialize

My heart broke yesterday. We went to the playground, as usual, except there were more than the usual neighborhood kids there. A group of these kids about Matt's age (12) were playing on the climbing fort (or should I say pre-teen hanging out?) and he immediately went to them. At first, Matt was just standing with them & nobody bothered him. Next, he wanted their attention, so he went up to some of the boys and started "babbling" something even I couldn't even figure out. They started to laugh at him and tease him (until they saw me coming). They tried to ignore him & moved away, but he kept going to them. He had no clue that these kids were not being friendly. This is where my heart breaks. He "looks" so normal that people seem shocked & confused when does or "says" something that's not "normal". Most of his activities and friendships are through special ed. classes in school or through special groups for handicapped kids (very accepting). I don't have any personal problems in taking him out in the public (tantruming and all the rest), but I do need help with this issue.

Lisa Mom to Matt (12 AS?)

Subject: re: wants to socialize

Lisa,

My heart broke, too, when I read your note. Sometimes I feel as if I have blinders on when I take Ben (9) places, and there are people who don't respond well...I don't know if you caught a TV movie with Kirstie Alley playing a mom of a boy with multiple disabilities, but there was a wonderful scene in the movie when she is in the supermarket, and a little girl keeps staring at her son...she finally blurts out, "Look honey, you not so beautiful either, so stop staring!" I just had to laugh and cry at the same time!!

We use humor a lot to deal with people who are ignorant and/or intolerant...I would think the teenage years may be prime suspects in this respect...you could think up some responses to try with kids for the next time, like, "Don't worry, he only bites people he doesn't like." or "He just wants to be your friend. He probably knows you don't have many."

I try to be forthright and honest when kids come up to us and ask, "what's wrong with him?" But if there's laughing or teasing, my quills go up and I get very protective...try to remember that "normal" kids get picked on, too...sometimes the world can be cruel for all of us.

Best wishes,

Jeanne

Subject: Re: wants to socialize

Lisa, I know how you feel. It has probably happened to all of us at one time or another. Middle school age children can be especially cruel. They are so into peer pressure and being cool. Is Matt included with any of these children at school? Once in a while you get lucky and one of them knows your child and will be polite. It's a good thing our kids don't even realize when they are being made fun of or teased. Some of the brighter CD kids must really be hurt by this kind of treatment. I think all you can do is act with Matt in front of these kids, like you would like them to treat him. I would be very angry and say something really rude though. How can you help it? It hurts so much. Matt is your very special child and you have to get a thick skin because these people are always out there. Hopefully with time and more exposure in schools and the community, things will get better. It just takes so long!

Janice (Mom to Jennie - 15)

Subject: Re: wants to socialize

My heart breaks too when things like this happen, in fact I can hardly see the keyboard and screen right now. Thi only thing I can thnk of to say is that compassion is one of the hardest things to learn, and I think it develops very late if ever in some people!

Deanna

Subject: Re: wants to socialize

Dear Lisa, My heart breaks for you. I really think that I can handle just about everything that goes along with parenting a special child except for the insensivity of others. For me, this is the absolute hardest part. It really scares the hell out of me knowing that I too will experience the same things that you are going through. On the other side of the coin, I have a niece Amanda who is almost 4. She is extremely gifted. For some reason without any prompting on our part or her parents, she has taken my daughter, Devin (3, AS?) under her wing. She never fails to include Devin in every activity, even those that Devin isn't capable of doing yet. At a recent family birthday party, instead of running around with the other kids, she went upstairs to her bedroom, got a bunch a books, came down and spent the next half hour"reading" to Devin. One of the hardest days for me was when she turned to my mother and said "Grandma, I can't wait for Devin to talk." I just hope that as she gets older she continues to love and accept Devin for being Devin. Just my .02 worth...

Best Regards, Kelly

Subject: Broken heart

When I take nathan to the playground he so much wants to be a part of the fun, however the kids are afraid of him because he can't walk or talk. I often just put Nathan right in the middle of them, it's the only way they are going to get to know him. If the kids have questions, which they always do, I answer them to the best of my knowledge. If they are mean I tell them to go away and learn some manners. That's just the way I am, I'll tell them that there stupid if they make fun of someone who can't fight back with words. Most of them just accept him and play across from him until they feel more comfortable with him. It is tough, Just hang in there. Not all kids are that way.

Patty Radke

Subject: BROKEN HEART

Hi Patty, My name is Anita from Colorado, I have a son Cole, who is 3 1/2, Cole has to carry a hat with him everywhere he goes. He goes to pre-school where he thinks that everyone there should wear his hat. Some of the kids did not like it, so the teacher explained that since Cole was not able to talk that, that is the way that Cole is saying hi and that he likes you. So when he goes around and puts the hat on them they all understand that he likes them and wants to be their friend. I find also that the girls seem to take to him better than the boys.

Anita parent of Cole

Subject: Socializing

We decided early-on that a mission we wanted to undertake was to assure that David was exposed to the community--both for his sake and members of the community. Consequently, he has gone with us everywhere. We have had very few negative experiences. People, especially children, are curious and we have always made it a point to talk to them. We usually would talk to the curious and say, "Hi: this is David, he can't talk but he loves people." >From there we would get more questions that we would answer or perhaps we would get a response of, "Oh", and acceptance. Kids will always stare and we have made it a point to talk to them. If they had adults with them we would tell them, "It's okay, David is different and they don't understand." As David got older, we would point out that there are people who can't hear, see or walk--David can't talk. We have pointed out that David needs special care and treatment. Now with integration and inclusion, you will hear children respond with, "Oh, there's a student like him in our school."

David is greeted fondly at our favorite Chinese restaurant. In fact, when we go there without David, the staff ask about him. In church he is a part of the church's family. (The disposition of the angel children is such that being in the Community is an element where they thrive.) We haven't had the gagging problem which could cause some embarrassment. However, there were two times that David did his thing to create quite a stir. For the laughs, we relate them here.

At our youngest sons honors night before graduating from high school, we were sitting in an auditorium with theatre type seating. We sat behind the parents of one of our youngest son's friends. We knew that this gentleman felt strange around David and David apparently knew it too. We were taking special care to keep his hands in check so he wouldn't grab him on the shoulder or get his hair. David lifted his foot and gave him a kick in the shoulder/head. The comment made was something like "he doesn't belong here." We apologized profusely. The apology wasn't accepted but it didn't spoil our evening.

In church several years ago, the family went up to the altar for communion. We take David and give him some of the bread. He won't drink the grape juice (he drinks only milk). On this Sunday we were getting back into our pew when David had to sneeze. Well, the poor gentleman sitting in front of us was splattered. He had bread on his jacket and in his hair. Fred was picking bread out of his hair while the rest of the family was trying to keep from joining David in laughter. He was very gracious but has never sat in front of us again. We, and other church members, still have a laugh when we think of it.

On the other had there have been times where we have been very proud. At David's graduation (aging out of high school) in Constitution Hall, Washington, D. C., when his name was called to walk across the stage, the student body stood and gave him a standing ovation which lasted longer than that given to others. Tears were the order of the day.

When we go out now with David we invariably get someone coming up to us saying "I was in school with David" or "I worked at so and so when David was there" or "I remember David from the swimming pool".

We have always tried to look for and emphasize the positive and people have responded positively.

Carolyn and Fred Windbeck (David 28)

Subject: In Public

Well hi lisa ...my two cents is that we have found that "explaining what maggie has" she cant help it,she understands when things like that are said,you kids are lucky not to have these handicaps,etc seems to always help. There are always gonna be those that dont care,or dont care to listen. Cripes kids can be really mean to "quote" normal kids.

paul <maggie>

Subject: Re: depression

Alice It will get better. As a friend says, you're just starting a new chapter in your book of life. Besides they keep coming home---college semesters seem very short and Ashleigh will bring home new friends to share Whitney's joy.

Susan has four older siblings (3 married so she really has 7) all living in other parts of the country, and a "niece". It was fun when she came to visit around age two and their verbalization was the same. However, her niece (now 3) really likes her and says "Susan, you're so funny!"

We recently got a community living grant funded by medicaid to provide 15 hours a week for a companion for Susan to take her in the community--they go to movies, musicals, garage sales etc. The companion hired by the Agency which handles the grant turned out to be a vivacious young girl Sue's same age and from the high school which housed Sue's community based program. Through another program Sue is in, (she does volunteer work in the morning and goes to a community based recreation program in the afternoon) this girl has met the love of her life and wedding plans are being made. Both of Sue's support people (young men her age) met girls they married at Susan's work site when they showed an interest in Sue. I really do think she is an Angel that specializes in romance. Tell Ashleigh to watch out. The grant also included 21 days of respite so we could visit our other children. This all started last December and I feel like my life has really changed.

All these programs are preparing her for the day she lives elsewhere---we have at least found out that she loves to go out with someone other than us. Actually runs to the car when her companion drives up. It has been hard since the siblings moved out to find someone to be here----also cost a small fortune. John and I are quickly adjusting to going out to dinner on a week night just to be out of the house so Sue can cook dinner with her "friend".

Since December, I've been writing a new chapter.

Anne (Susan, 24 UPD)